There are a lot of things running through my head right now. Things I wanna say to you, but prefer not to…
I know. This is not a love story.
I don’t know why I am like this. It was in between June or July of last year. The first time I saw you at the Emergency Room, it was like a love-at-first-sight kind of feeling but yes, of course I don’t believe on such. It was just purely admiration, I guess. The way you talk – gentle, soft spoken and cute – the way you took care of my sister, the way you assisted her. I can see your sincerity to what you are doing. From there, I already felt like you are a good person.
That was not the last time I saw you. One time, I had an Asthma attack and you were one of those nurses in ER who took care of me. You smiled, then you talked to me. You helped me with the nebulizer. And then you didn’t come back. Yet it’s still not the last time I saw you.
My sister was scheduled for labs one Saturday morning, we were waiting for the results at the 4th floor lobby of the hospital. You were there, walking, assisting one of your patients. I was scared, because you might recognize me – because this was the time I added you on Facebook. But you haven’t acknowledged me. You, didn’t even notice me staring at you. There was actually a relief and a little bit of disappointment.
The moment you confirmed my friend request, I sent you a message. There was no reply, but I know you’ve read it already. That was fine. I thought you were just busy back then. Or you’re not interested talking with strangers, a stranger like me, specifically. I’ve been trying to send you messages months after you seenzoned me. Well, obviously I didn’t have the guts to send it. I’m afraid that you might get mad at me, because I keep on bothering you. I had to control my self from sending you messages. Ugh! I really want to know you. I was just curious… And interested. And I don’t know why.
I’m not sure if it was Christmas Day or New Year’s Day. But I’m sure it was you whom I saw at a parish church. My family and I were late for the mass… and then there you were, standing near the church’s door. I kept on looking at you. You gave me a quick glance, maybe because you felt uneasy. I’m sorry for staring at you. That was the last time I saw you. I tried to message you again, once, and yes, still didn’t have the guts to send it.
Months after. April 8. It was a one fine night, and I had to come to the mall straight from work, because we have to celebrate mom’s birthday there. Then out of nowhere, I suddenly remembered you. I opened my Facebook messenger, searched for your name, and found it – active 5 hours ago – I really thought that if I’m gonna send you a message, you’re just going to ignore it again. Just like before. So I sent you a sticker, a grinning Meep. What a lame move, eh?
Less than an hour later, you replied!! Gosh! You replied. I was nervous, and scared, and excited, and surprised, and hopeful all at the same time. Because finally, finally after almost a year, you noticed me. Nah! You finally replied on the stupid, grinning sticker I sent to you.
I don’t even want to open your message yet at that time. Because I’m scared of what you’ve got to say to me.
“Yes, why? 😊”, that was the very first response I got from you. Why? Why did I message you at the first place? Why did I try to send you messages back then? Why did I add you on Facebook? Honestly, I don’t have the answers yet. So I just made up a lame excuse, “ahh. I would just like to invite you to open an account in our bank blah blah blah”. Did you believe me back then? Sorry. I know I’m not suppose to give you such excuse, but as if I have any choice.
And then out of nowhere you wanted to see me. I can’t get my hopes too high. I felt weird during that time. You left me unnoticed for almost a year, and then here comes the nurse I used to admire asking me to go out with him. Was it fate? Is this some sort of a joke? Are you serious?! I mean, do you usually do it? Blind dating? Eyeball? Are you good at meeting people – a total stranger – for the first time? Because frankly, I don’t.
You asked for my number in which I gave to you without any hesitation. (God, Gillian! What is wrong with you?) I waited. 2 days, 3 days, five days, one week. Nothing, not even a single Hi came from you. Okay. Maybe you just simply changed your mind.
Then here you go again, why do I always stupidly smile at my phone whenever I see your name on the screen? Ugh! You asked me, “are you free on the 21st?”, “Yes!” Because I don’t turn down invites. Because YOU asked me out. Because finally, I am going to meet you.
Sleepless nights happened. I was scared. And nervous. Just the thought of you seeing me for the first time gives me chills. What do you expect from this meeting? What are you expecting from me? How would you react? How would I react? What should be the first word I’m supposed to utter? Will you like me? Will I disappoint you? Aaaaggghhhh!
So, April 21 happened.
I nervously opened the door of that convinience store. My eyes caught you, you were sitting on the right corner, patienly waiting for me I guess? I smiled. You smiled. You gave me butterflies…
I wanted you to know that I’m not a terrible a person. I mean I talk. I talk a lot, I can tell you anything and everything under the sun. From my dreams as a child, to Freud’s Theory of Psychonanalysis. I can actually narrate to you the whole break up story I had with my ex boyfriend if you want to. It’s just that, I can’t think up straight. The feeling was surreal. I slur my words everytime I want to speak. I can’t even look into your eyes. I think I failed you.
I really loved watching you as you speak. It’s still the same, gentle, soft-spoken and cute. You know what’s the thing that I like most about you? The way your eyes light up with every new idea and the way the conversation never wanes. If only I could buy extra time, I’d probably do just to stay 2 or 3 more hours with you that day. I’m sorry I had to leave too soon.
When a woman dates a man for the first time, you wait for him to text you first after parting from each other. And so I waited. I waited for that text message. Thank God, you did. Atleast, somehow I didn’t messed up. Atleast, somehow you cared?
Sometimes, I want to seem like I don’t care. Isn’t it insane how we do that as humans – how we have to feign distance and disinterest as a means of expressing how we feel for one another?
I’d love to share to you how my day went, from I didn’t had a good night sleep the other night and that’s the reason why pimples starting to show up on my face, to a very good lunch I had on this restaurant that I want to try their food again, the next time I’m with you. Because when your name flashes across my screen, I temporarily forget about all of the petty annoyances that plague us when we don’t think to evade them.
I’m glad I met you. Because before you came along things were okay but something about you injected color into my world and I don’t want it to fade out just yet. Because you reminded me that something as simple as human interaction could change a shitty day into a good one and a bland thought into a fascinating argument. Because you see, and obviously I’m always in front of the internet.
I want to see you again. I want you here beside me, with your thoughts brimming and your breath heavy and your phone all forgotten and discarded.
And so we met again. With our friends. I admire your friends. They’re cool and witty. You are lucky to have them. You know, it still puzzles me why we had to go out with our friends. Do you want your friends to meet me? And vice versa? I don’t know. Maybe I just overthink it.
I want you to know that you shouldn’t be surprised for my actions. I know you’re wondering why I am acting like this?
I have a confession to make. I’m one of those who love fiercely, live passionately and refuse to give up on love, no matter how beaten and broken it leaves me. I know I’m independent enough and I know myself extremely well, but love just doesn’t seem to happen for me as it happens for others.
I’m the type of person who gives myself completely; I wear my heart on my sleeve.
My friends often tell me not to get too attached too soon or to stay guarded because I’ll only get my heart broken, but I do it anyway because it’s just in my nature. The truth is, my heart does get broken repeatedly. Just like what I told you when we met. My friends and family always feel sorry for me because they know I have a big heart and people take advantage of it.
Let me get this straight. If you start talking to me everyday and night, I’m obviously going to get attached to you. Even if I never planned to in the first place, I will. So before you start getting close to me, make sure you won’t just suddenly leave me, cause, you know, that happens to me a lot.
I’m the kind who would give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant being with the one I love and I wouldn’t even think twice. It’s not because I don’t love myself enough, it’s because I realize dreams are only made more special when they can be shared with someone else.
To be honest, I tried to change myself hundreds of times. But I just can’t. It’s who I am. This is what makes me different from the others.
Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s too soon to tell. But I just want you to know all of these. And I can’t tell it to you personally because I’m not very vocal when it comes to my feelings and thoughts.
I’ll understand if you won’t talk to me anymore after reading this. I know you have your personal issues. Sometimes, I feel there’s something holding you back and that’s fine. That’s perfectly fine.
Was it fate? Are we destined to meet each other? For whatever reason, I don’t know. God will not allow anything to come into your life unless He has a purpose for it.
I told you, I don’t know how to end this. Is this really the end? You want to continue writing this story?