7 Stages of Grief

All people experience grief and loss, no exception. The seven stage of grief is similar to the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. These stages or emotions, rather, are: (1) Disbelief; (2) Denial; (3) Anger; (4) Bargaining; (5) Guilt; (6) Depression; and (7) Acceptance. We may or may not experience all of these reactions, we may have additional emotions we experience when we grief that are not included here.

Disbelief. Disbelief is like a natural reaction when something happened that you never expect to happen. There’s a feeling of surprise, shock, and numbness. It’s like you don’t know what to do at that very moment. Sometimes people, even collapse after hearing the news or just simply cry their hearts out. You wouldn’t even believe that it is happening, that it has already happened.

Denial. It is something that we do when we want to convince ourselves and the people around us that we’re okay, even if were still not. When someone, asks us how we’re doing lately or if we were able to let go or move on already, and you don’t have choice but to say “I’m fine.” because you should be. Even if it still hurts you. Even if it still haunts you. Even if you’re still thinking of him/her. You’re okay, you’re fine even if you’re not.

Anger. Not all people who are experiencing grief or loss, encounters anger as well. Some people become angry at themselves or the person they left them or simply at the situation they are left to face alone. They usually blame their selves because of what had happen, they get mad, and feels guilty about it.

Bargaining. According to Debbra Bronstad, Grief Recovery Specialist, bargaining refers to attempts to make a deal, often with God, to change the situation. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross noted bargaining in her observations of individuals dying from a terminal illness. Bargaining may not be so frequent when a loved one has died, but is likely present in other losses such as divorce, break up, job loss, home loss or other transition, where there is some hope the situation could be changed by an all-powerful God.

Guilt. I think it comes with anger. Because of blaming his/her self, the bereaved usually regrets on what they have or said before their loved one died or left them. We often wish to turn back the clock and do something differently. If only.

Depression. Depression is feeling of severe sadness and dejection, which is somehow a natural reaction of human to grief and loss. When someone is depressed, this person cannot eat or sleep, there will be a time when you would just like to shut out the world and have your own space. You overthink, you over react. You feel lost.

Acceptance. The greatest gift you can give to yourself after a break up, after a loss is acceptance. Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be. Happiness can only exist with acceptance.

I would like to share to all of you the letter I made for someone that used to have a special place in my heart. I think this letter, has all of these emotions. And this somehow made me let go and move on.


THE LETTER (How it felt like, exactly two years ago) 02-20-2014

I honestly don’t know how to start and what to write on this letter. I have a lot of things to say, I don’t even know where to start. The same question, on how I started to like you back in 2010. I thought it was magical, coz we end up together even though we’re classmates on this one particular subject only. Our professor on this subject, once told the class that there is always money involve on gambling. I remember what I told him, “Sir meron kayang sugal na walang perang involve, love! Sugal sa pag-ibig.” Sugal sa pag-ibig.

Do you remember how we were so inlove before? How we fought and make up? I though it will last for life, but it didn’t. You gave up. Yes, you gave up and gave in. It was three years, I was hoping that we will be able to conquer this critical stage of our relationship. I was wrong. I don’t know what happened. Why? Why it has to end? And just like what you told me, 3 years was just a number, without considering the effort, time, money, memories, dreams and love we invested on it. Why it was so easy for you to say, that it was just a number? Why?

I don’t want to blame things on you, ‘coz I know I also had my shortcomings, but I was willing to resolve those because I want us to stay together. I gave everything you need. I gave everything you want. I helped you to become the person you are right now. I let you experience the luxury of life – a piece of it, at least. Dati, lahat ng meron ako I always cut it into half so that I could also share it to you. I’ve always wanted to make you happy. I’ve always wanted to satisfy your needs. Do you remember those times na nagddate tayo? I was the one paying for it, because I understand your incapabilities. Kahit na nagkaroon na tayo ng work, madalas ako pa din. You know why? Kasi iniintndi kita, na inuuna mo muna bilhan sarili mo kesa sating dalawa and I didn’t expect anything from you, siningil ba kita? No! Because I just want you to love me back. That was all I want back then. I helped you during exams, to the point na mas mataas na yung scores mo kesa sa’kin. Remember the take home exams we had? How about Karla’s case study? You asked me to help you on that, even though nagkagalit kami non ni Karla because of helping you. How about your case study on our clinical setting? Do you think you will be able to have such wonderful thesis without me and Sheena as your groupmate? WIll you survive, just the expenses per se? No, I’m not degrading you as a person. I’m just being honest, and you were not to blame because I did those things for you, because I loved you.

Will you be able to land on a good company during our OJT and earn 300 pesos a day? I was hurt that time. I was mad, yes. Because it was supposed to be me. I want my dad to be proud of me because I was able to work as a trainee on his previous employer, but it didn’t happened. Will you be able to have an exceptional resume without me helping you on editing it? Will you be able to work on your job, without me buying you, 2 pairs of contact lense and lend you money for some of your requirements? Everytime na nagtetext ka sa’kin non na hindi o ayaw kang bigyan ng mama mo ng pera para sa ganitong projects o ganyang requirements, nagagalit ka. At ako? Dahil sa ayaw kong magalit ka, naghahanap ako ng paraan. I did everything to help you. Kahit itanong mo pa yung mga tita mo, lola mo, tito mo, at kahit yung tatay mo. Nung thesis days, pag uwi ko gabi gabi. Chinachat ko sila, nanghihiram ako ng pera para sa ambag mo kahit walang kasiguraduhan kung paano ko sila babayaran. Naglakas loob akong hanapin ang tatay mo, at kapalan ang mukha kong kausapin at hingan siya ng tulong para lang makagraduate ka. Yung mga tita mo, alam nila na ako gumagawa ng effort to make you happy even your mom knows it. Gala, sine, pagkain, date. Psh!

Above all those failures you had, kahit na minumura mo ko sa twing nag aaway tayo, kahit na hindi mo sinasabi o pinaparamdam man lang yung appreciation mo sakin at sa mga ginawa ko para sayo, kahit na ang dami mong pagkukulang sa ating dalawa, minahal pa din kita. My love for you was greater than your failures. Pero binaliwala mo lang yun. I know, madami ka din namang hindi nagawa sa sarili mo because of me. Naging selfish ako, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late para hindi mo gawin yung mga hindi mo nagawa dati. Sana kahit alam mong masasaktan ako, sinabi mo yung mga nararamdaman mo. Puro ka kasi wala. Puro ka di mo alam. Hindi naman ako manghuhula para malaman kung ano yung nasa utak mo e.

The kind of love we had, though it was true, it was also so immature.

I am actually thanking you for what you did to me. For dumping me for another girl. Though it hurts, it feels so right.

I am not gonna send this to you after 3, 4 or 5 years… I honestly want you to read this as soon as I’m done writing this. Hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari, hindi ko alam kung bakit mo ako iniwan? Kung bakit kailangan may babaeng involve kung ang hiningi mo sa’kin dati nung nakikipagbreak ka ay “space”? Why?! Bakit? Sabi mo gusto mo maging malaya, malayang makipagrelasyon pala yung tinutukoy mo. I’m sorry, I’m being rude to you. Pero kasi yung reason mo of breaking up with me, masyadong vague.

I just wish you happiness, and peace of mind. I’m not sure kung nakakatulog ka ng maayos after everything you have done. Siguro oo, kasi you don’t care right? Oh, com’n! I know what you’re thinking, “oo na palagi naman akong walang pakialam e.”, right? Dude, if you really care you did the right thing sana not the other way around.
Okay ka sana as a person, walang bisyo. Malinis. Malalim mag isip. May sapat na logic. Pero as someone na pinagbigyan ng pagmamahal ng sobra, nagkamali ata ako dun.

Remember our trip to Batangas? Nag away tayo, it was our 3rd Anniversary. Gift ko sayo yun, na-appreciate mo ba yun? Nakalimutan mo na ba, yung paglalakad natin sa seaside sa MOA may dalang chichiria at aantaying lumubog ang araw? Naalala mo pa ba, yung kabaliwan nating lakarin ang Molino Blvd mula SDCA hanggang Jollibee Molino? Yung SDCA hanggang Las Pinas? Southmall hanggang ATC? Naging masaya ka ba ng tinreat kita sa Holiday Inn at pinaranas sayo magbuhay mayaman kahit isang gabi lang? Nakalimutan mo na ba kung saan tayo nagsimula? Nakalimutan mo na bang ang tamis ng unang halik? Sabihin mo numero lang para sayo ang tatlong taon ng lahat ng yan? Mas madali ba talaga pakawalan o itapon ang isang bagay kesa ayusin ito? Sabagay, yung mga bagay kasi na hindi pinaghihirapan madali lang itapon ng isang tao. Kaya pala, nahirapan ako. Kasi binuhos ko lahat ng lakas at oras ko, pero nauwi lang lahat sa wala.

Thank you, for those memories we had. It can’t be replace by anyone. Pwedeng mangyari yun uli, but not with the same person anymore, not with the same time, feelings and emotions. Three years ain’t bad. Kahit nasayang,I’ve learned a lot from it. Hindi pala lahat dapat ipaglaban, lalo na kung walang kasiguraduhan. Pinaglaban ko kasi sa lahat. Di ko lang kasi akalain na sa kabila ng lahat ng nagawa at ginawa ko para sayo at sa relasyon natin, mababaliwala lang din pala ng ganon ganon lang. Worth it ba lahat?

Alam mo na siguro sa sarili mo lahat ng pinag gagawa ko para sayo. Alam mo na din siguro sa sarili mo mga binigay ko sayo, to prove the love I had for you. Para sa’kin, wala nang babaeng makakahigit pa sa mga katangahan at kabaliwan na ginawa, nagawa at binigay ko sayo.

What goes around, comes around. Easy come, easy go. Lahat ng bagay pinaghihirapan. Yung mga bagay na nakukuha mo agad ng mabilisan, walang kwenta yun, walang patutunguhan. Lahat ng ginawa mo, masama man o mabuti, babalik sayo.

Siguro nga, tama yung professor natin noon ng sabihin niyang lahat ng sugal may involve na pera. Kahit sa pag-ibig meron din pala talaga. Di nga lang pera ang involve sa love e, pati effort, oras, pangarap at pagkatao ng isang tao naisusugal na dahil sa pag-ibig.

I want to take revenge. Gusto kong gumanti in any and every way I can. Pero I did not, kahit sobrang sakit. Kahit sobrang galit at hatred meron yung puso ko noon, even until now na pa onti onti nang nawawala. I just let go, and let God. I am praying for you.

Salamat sa masasayang alaala. 091510//


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